The burnout

I’m scared I won’t be a good doctor.

I know it sounds trite. I know I’m compassionate and hard working and knowing everything is impossible…but I’ll never be one of those incredible people who are just so smart that they catch everything. And I’ll be personal here: I’m tragically afraid of being mediocre.

We work this hard in this line of work because mediocre is not enough, and it’s not the standard (of care). Not only this, but we are also unofficially put against each other in an unspoken rat race of competition. In real life, more success for you doesn’t necessarily mean less success for me, but in medicine–well, that’s kind of true.

So it begs the question…How did we get here, and how do we make it stop? Do we continue to run the race and chase down every approval until we burn out and stop caring? The journey to becoming an educated and capable physician is one with huge consequences: you may gain skills xyz, but you may have to leave behind a few other things in order to do so.

These days, I find myself constantly battling about purpose. Back and forth. Side to side. Up and down. If God puts something in your heart, it’s there for a reason, right? I need to work on digging into my faith so the wind of my thoughts and emotions don’t sway me…but in a world where you are expected to work harder for what needs to be done, the clockwork just doesn’t fit sometimes.

Side note, God’s like, chill–cause I fractured a bone in my foot literally from walking on it too much. Any confusion about God sending a sign to slow down? For me, a stress fracture is a pretty direct one.

Happy November 1st – this is the month I turn 27. I can’t believe how fast this year has flown. I can’t believe I’ll be 27. I can’t believe I started medical school at age 24, and how much I have changed since then. And here’s the thing – as much as I feel like I still know nothing, we have learned a heck of a lot.

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